Hesitate

I can't bring myself to write anymore. I think I'm scared. I have nothing to be scared about. The past few days have been interesting to say the least. No, interesting is the wrong word. I can't find the words really, but I know I'm learning how to deal with a lot of things. There are things that I'm trying to decide will be the best for me. Sometimes I fail and think that some things are better for me than others and end up in the same position I began. It's all trial and error right now. Trial and error to see where I really stand by figuring out ways to stand up. I'm not the type of person who can easily forget things - although ironically I am very forgetful at times. I think too much and that has proven to work against me because I feel the need to alienate myself or make myself feel alienated so those around me don't have to feel that uncomfortable silence. I'm also not the type of person who just thinks about them self. I've realized that being there for those who are very important to me, making them happy, is what makes me happy. Even now as my closest friends are hurting, I would much rather spend time with them and help them back to their happiness than my own. Because that's the type of person I am. I can't be selfish - even if I want to. Who knew that would also work against me. Perhaps one day someone will recognize that and do the same for me. For now, at best, I'm trying to remind myself of things - real things, things that hurt. So I can convince myself in my own way that what I have to deal with is necessary for what lies ahead.

I'm also trying to remember. For some reason I feel I've been here before and I have. Not to the same extent, but history is somewhat repeating itself. I have to admit it sort of makes me angry that I've somehow gotten myself back in a place I promised myself not to go back to. I've once again been left behind. Somehow I managed to forget and now I can't remember how I dealt with things before. I know it's different now from before, but a friend reminded me, "You did it before, you can do it again". I need to surround myself with people who love me. Really love me. And find my way back to the comfort I once had in myself.

For the first time since my brother was born, I saw him and felt a little envious. My brother is growing up and I see it everyday. A lot of people doubt him. Doubt his abilities because of the way he behaves. They have their own opinions about him, think down on him at times, but today I saw him and I envied him. I saw someone who was living their life doing the things they loved and enjoyed. I saw someone who had a self developed discipline. I can't really explain it. But I was envious because I remembered what it was like to be that age. I was envious, but I was proud. I don't think my parents give him enough credit. Sometimes I wish they could see what I see. They would be proud too.

Back to reality.